Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Death Part 2

Ok Halloween is on the way. So here are some gruesome jokes so here they are and I hope you enjoy my morbid humor....

Funny Funeral Home Slogans 

You stab em we slab em
We're dying to help you out
People are dying to come to us
We make you look good cause GOD don't like ugly
You shouldn't be caught dead anywhere else
Had a heart attack?? We have a casket for that
You kill em we seal em
Bury your problems with us
Everyone is dying to have a funeral here
We put the fun in funeral
Garbage collectors don't die they just kick the can
Can you trust us?? Of corpse you can
Your pockets won't hurt when we put you in the dirt
There dead spread the bread
Kids coffins drown three get one free ask for the Andrea Yates special
When death calls put us on three way
We're dead serious about our business
When your organs stop ours start playing
Your loss is our gain
You kill em we chill em
You kill em we grill em
Ashes to ashes dust to dust please have your funeral with us
Let us be your soul provider for a funeral
What happens in the embalming room stays in the embalming room
You drop dead we drop dirt
Hit em with a clock we put em in a box
Drive carefully we'll wait
Text and drive to get an appointment early here
Discounts to die for
We're just dying to meet you
Service you'd die for
We think outside the box
People would kill to have a funeral here
Stop by and check out our dead low prices
Let us urn your business
We got the dirt on everyone - eventually
A foot deeper and a dollar cheaper
Repeat customers are half off
A once in a lifetime service
Coffins so nice, you'll wanna die twice
Our parlors are drop dead gorgeous 
We deliver to a higher authority 
We make a rigorious pursuit of our business
Give us cash we turn you into ash
Our offers never expire
You don't need an engraved invitation to have a funeral here
You'll be coffin up money to have a funeral here

Funny epitaphs 

I guess I really was sick
Don't make me come back! 
Step on my grave and I'll haunt you
Here lies my ex they rest in peace and so do I 
I was here but now I'm gone I've left this inscription to turn you on not real colorful not much flash if you don't like it well its my epitaph 
I told you I was sick! 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake stepped on the gas instead of the brake 
Here lies Johnny Yeast pardon me for not rising 
Here lies an athiest all dressed up and no place to go 
Here lies an agnostic and I dunno where I'll go 
I said my feet were killing me but no one believed me
Here lies a man named Blake he was bitten by his own pet snake 
Here lies Roger Black chocked to death on his favorite snack 
Here lies a man named Jim who went in the lake but couldn't swim 
This will be you one day
Here lies Molly Snare who went in the woods and got ate by a bear 
Here lies Ronald Park who made a tasty meal for a hungry shark 
Here lies Mr.Jones once was alive now a bag of bones 
You may be alive, but I'm still better looking (<--- Simon Cowell's future epitaph) 
In the earth shall I be but keep off the grass and stop walking on me! 
Here lies Brandy Star went out one day and got hit by a car 
What are you lookin at?? 
Don't read this epitaph or you'll die
Died from not forwarding that chain mail to ten people
I listened to a comedian and died of laughter 
I was Fred but now I'm dead 
Here lies Edward Hyde we laid him here cause he died 

Well that's it. I hope those made you die of laughter. I think I shall make a killing of those jokes. Happy Halloween! 

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